As promised an insight from the current Conflict and Difficult Conversations workshops I'm running.
Handling a difficult conversation is partly about choosing the right words, and you can either exacerbate or alleviate aspects of the problem through your use of embedded commands.
Embedded commands, first identified by clinical psychologists and later popularised as part of NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) work like this.
You insert into a sentence words that appeal to the sub- conscious, inviting the listener to take a specific view of the statement you’re making. For example, if I say to you, "What you should feel good about is..." I'm encouraging you to be positive about my next statement.
The problem is that too often, embedded commands send the wrong message. They can encourage someone to reject a statement you make, and exacerbate the disagreement you have with them. Pre-cursing your words with "Unfortunately..." warns the listener that they should treat what you say next as negative and bad news, and encourages them to analyse it for problems.”I'm afraid" suggests that you're scared about what you're about to say next, encouraging the listener to treat it as problematic and potentially valueless. Used in a negative context, "However" can also be read as "and now for the bad news..." To avoid these types of problem, as is so often the case, less is more. Just drop the offending words out of the sentence and avoid encouraging the listener to judge what you're telling them.
Now we can move on to some real doozies, commonly used commands that usually do the opposite of what you intend:
"With all due respect" and its attendant variants warns the listener that the next point you make could be disrespectful, and they should judge it on that basis.
"I'm not being rude but..." Is exactly the same, inviting the listener to conclude that the next point you make is exactly that.
Everyone is aware that if someone says "I'm not a racist but..." people will often act to prevent them making their next statement, knowing that they have just issued a warning about its potential content. Treat all embedded commands in exactly the same way, except stop yourself. Consider if you should be making the point you intended to at all; and if you decide you should, drop the embedded command and just make the point.
Embedded commands can of course be used positively, as in my first example above, and one of my favourites is "For my understanding..." which advises the listener that my next statement or question is just about clarity and knowledge and they shouldn't read anything else into it.
As always, embedded commands are a theory, but I hope what I've offered you here is thought-provoking. Becoming skilled in your choice of words is certainly one of the keys to resolving and taking control of conflict situations. To be honest with you, I think it’s essential. And now you think I might be lying...
More on conflict next week,
Graham
Interesting piece, Graham. I often encounter these embedded statements as what I call "lip service empathy". "I appreciate what you're saying...." or " I can see where you're coming from....." - always followed by the word "butt" - like a verbal head butt! Or, as a former training colleague of mine used to say: "Everything before the but is bulls**t!. Good luck with the blog, looking forward to more pearls!
ReplyDeleteHi Graham
ReplyDeleteI recall learning about embedded commands on my NLP training many years ago. It is one of the easier NLP techniques to master and I find it effective – esp. in coaching/mentoring/training situations. I wonder if in fact the examples you give are not embedded commands at all but the speaker seeking permission to be blunt, rude or down right offensive. For example, ‘I hear what you are saying’ is often code for ‘…and it’s a load of b*******!’ A genuine embedded command should open the listener to a new way of thinking or feeling. Where I have found the technique to be ineffective is a) with my partner, b) with the kids (shouting works much better), and c) watching my beloved Everton! Thanks for the blog. I enjoyed the read.