A friend of mine facebooked the other day that you should never apologise for saying how you feel. As the likes rolled in, it forced me to consider my own view about the sharing of feelings and the idea that it must always inherently be a good thing. On the face of it, it seems a great strategy to share how you feel with others and certainly great damage can be done, particularly to relationships, by not doing so. On the other hand, it might also be too simplistic to suggest that sharing is always positive and would never demand an apology.
My colleague Dee Donnelly often supplies with me valuable nuggets of insight just when I need them. Just before Christmas, I overheard her sharing a thought with one of her clients over the telephone in which she offered “There is a theory that says don’t be yourself, being yourself can be disastrous, the key is to be skilled at being yourself.” This is of course drawn from the principles put forward by Rob Goffee and Gareth Jones in “Why Should Anyone Be Led by You?” and really got me thinking about how being skilled related to the facebook point about sharing always being positive.
I’ve spent a number of years helping individuals tackle issues related to their self-esteem and building their ability to accept themselves, speak up and assertively intervene in situations they might not have been able to previously, to their own benefit and that of others. However, with the ability to express yourself comes a responsibility to consider how the messages you deliver might be received.
Self – aware individuals understand how they feel, whether those feelings are causing negative effects, and what course of action they might take as a result. In simple terms they recognise that they have a choice to either deal with the feelings or let them go, and that dealing with them might mean expressing them to the person or people who have initiated them.
Expressing feelings can be a critical step in resolving a situation, but can also do immense damage for the person communicating them or the receiver depending on the message to be shared. In the past I’ve certainly been witness to individuals spontaneously expressing how they feel and regretting the consequences. I’ve also intervened when I’ve heard a statement like “I don’t care what he does; I’m going to go in there and tell him what I think”. What I’m hearing there is an individual that recognises they could choose more than one potential course of action, but are going to deliberately act while consciously ignoring the potential ramifications.
I’ve also heard statements like, “He just sets me off and I have a go at him, I can’t help it and it always ends up in a row”. This is someone suggesting that they have no control over the way they react, when in fact, I believe they do, and can “help it” if they choose to do so, benefitting the relationship or achieving a more effective result for themselves.
So how can you become skilled at sharing feelings? First consider that you have a choice, about whether to share or not. Secondly, if you decide to share consider why you’re doing it, what you want the other person to do with that information and how you expect it to benefit the situation. Then consider how you can deliver the message in a way that will achieve all of the above, before you open your mouth.
Ultimately, I didn’t “like” the facebook post, even though I believe people and relationships can often benefit from the more open sharing of feelings. My message is; do share, but do it with skill, in the full and conscious knowledge of why you’re doing it, what reaction you expect to get, and how the way you share may influence that reaction to everyone’s advantage. That way, you can create a scenario in which there’s never a need to say sorry.
Graham
