The London Underground; a rich vein of choice.

Wherever people interact in large numbers it's possible to see not just a myriad of choices, but also that so many people aren't aware that they are making those choices all the time.

Eric Berne first put forward the theory of Transactional Analysis, in which individuals occupy an "ego state" of parent, adult or child when they interract. This has predictable results that either benefit or hinder their communications, and impacts on stress, well-being and general fulfilment. 

On the underground I see many examples of what Berne describes as complimentary transactions, with both positive and negative results.

In one station I overheard two members of staff engaged in banter: "You're not still supporting them are ya?" "We all have our crosses to bear mate" Friendly banter is often about 2 people choosing their both child ego state and having some fun.

I also overheard 2 city workers walking into a tube station saying to one another "So I told him, I'm in Chicago next week, they just don't get it do they?" "No I agree they're all just hopeless". In this case both are choosing to talk to one another like parents who are always right, identifying problems they agree are created by others.

These choices can be very positive, and we can all feel we benefit from a bit of banter or a moan with someone else once in a while.

Now for the however:

I saw this interaction the other day:

A woman stops to check her mobile phone, partially blocking a gangway in the underground, and another woman squeezes past saying in an irritated tone of voice :

"You can't stop here, you're obstructing everyone" (Parent)

"Who do you think you are? I can stand where I like" (Child)

The woman who had stopped heard the parental statement, and it influenced her to respond in a childish way. Note that parents use "you" a lot as the problem is always with others and child responses often feature a lot of "I" as with children the focus is always on themselves.

The outcome of this can be that people who spend a lot of time being parental encounter a lot of children, and find a lot of their communication more difficult than it needs to be.

Parental managers can also be very good at praise, and then observe the child-like responses as their staff enjoy being patted on the head, but run the risk of developing dependant relationships that could be unproductive in the long run.

No-one wants to be one-dimensional, and we all enjoy a bit of banter or a good moan, but its also good to consider when an adult response, assertive and controlled, could get you a different, more constructive, and less stressful response.

   

 

 

It's Blindingly Obvious...

This week I’ve been heavily involved in staff engagement strategy, its importance and impact on an organisation and its objectives, particularly during times of change. As always, I’ve been raising awareness, this time with managers so that they can make positive choices in terms of the strategy they adopt.

Insights on Engagement

The MacLeod/Clarke report to Government 2009 “Engaging for Success” has been a really useful source, and says that engagement: “…at its core is a blindingly obvious but never the less often overlooked truth. If it is how the workforce performs that determines to a large extent whether companies or organisations succeed, then whether or not the workforce is positively encouraged to perform at its best should be a prime consideration for every leader and manager, and be placed at the heart of business strategy.”

Too right it's obvious! Staff engagement can be so simple, yet so often opportunities are missed to create it.

So what is engagement?

The report states that “It is most helpful to see employee engagement as a workplace approach designed to ensure that employees are committed to their organisations goals and values, motivated to contribute to organisational success and are able at the same time to enhance their own sense of well-being.”

So how do we achieve the it? The quote below encapsulates this beautifully:

“Employee engagement strategies enable people to be the best they can at work, recognising that this can only happen if they feel respected, involved, heard, well led and valued by those they work for and with”

Sums up better than anything else I have read what staff engagement actually means. If you respect people’s views and values and involve them in planning and creating strategies, discounting nothing until it has been properly debated by you and them, you create the conditions for engagement. People also need to feel that they have been listened to, by leaders who can adjust their style and approach depending on the task, team or individual they are dealing with and who make sure people know that their work and their views matter.

It’s not rocket science, but too often managers focus only on task and process, not recognising the need to spend time with their people to achieve success.

“Engagement is about creating opportunities for employees to connect with their colleagues, managers and wider organisation”

Professor Katie Truss

If people have the chance to talk to colleagues, to management and to be informed about wider organisational issues, it prevents them becoming disconnected and feeling that things are being done to them, without their involvement.

I’ve been sharing these truths this week, raising awareness among managers about where their priorities really lie, and the choices they need to make. As always it’s about people choosing to approach their work in new ways to create different better results; changing themselves, not others.

So, a different type of awareness, and a different level of choice.

More soon…

Your wish is my command...

As promised an insight from the current Conflict and Difficult Conversations workshops I'm running.

Handling a difficult conversation is partly about choosing the right words, and you can either exacerbate or alleviate aspects of the problem through your use of embedded commands.

Embedded commands, first identified by clinical psychologists and later popularised as part of NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) work like this.

You insert into a sentence words that appeal to the sub- conscious, inviting the listener to take a specific view of the statement you’re making. For example, if I say to you, "What you should feel good about is..." I'm encouraging you to be positive about my next statement.

The problem is that too often, embedded commands send the wrong message. They can encourage someone to reject a statement you make, and exacerbate the disagreement you have with them. Pre-cursing your words with "Unfortunately..." warns the listener that they should treat what you say next as negative and bad news, and encourages them to analyse it for problems.”I'm afraid" suggests that you're scared about what you're about to say next, encouraging the listener to treat it as problematic and potentially valueless. Used in a negative context, "However" can also be read as "and now for the bad news..." To avoid these types of problem, as is so often the case, less is more. Just drop the offending words out of the sentence and avoid encouraging the listener to judge what you're telling them.

Now we can move on to some real doozies, commonly used commands that usually do the opposite of what you intend:

"With all due respect" and its attendant variants warns the listener that the next point you make could be disrespectful, and they should judge it on that basis.

"I'm not being rude but..." Is exactly the same, inviting the listener to conclude that the next point you make is exactly that.

Everyone is aware that if someone says "I'm not a racist but..." people will often act to prevent them making their next statement, knowing that they have just issued a warning about its potential content. Treat all embedded commands in exactly the same way, except stop yourself. Consider if you should be making the point you intended to at all; and if you decide you should, drop the embedded command and just make the point.

Embedded commands can of course be used positively, as in my first example above, and one of my favourites is "For my understanding..." which advises the listener that my next statement or question is just about clarity and knowledge and they shouldn't read anything else into it.

As always, embedded commands are a theory, but I hope what I've offered you here is thought-provoking. Becoming skilled in your choice of words is certainly one of the keys to resolving and taking control of conflict situations. To be honest with you, I think it’s essential. And now you think I might be lying...  

More on conflict next week,

Graham

What's wrong with telling you how I feel?

A friend of mine facebooked the other day that you should never apologise for saying how you feel. As the likes rolled in, it forced me to consider my own view about the sharing of feelings and the idea that it must always inherently be a good thing. On the face of it, it seems a great strategy to share how you feel with others and certainly great damage can be done, particularly to relationships, by not doing so. On the other hand, it might also be too simplistic to suggest that sharing is always positive and would never demand an apology.

My colleague Dee Donnelly often supplies with me valuable nuggets of insight just when I need them. Just before Christmas, I overheard her sharing a thought with one of her clients over the telephone in which she offered “There is a theory that says don’t be yourself, being yourself can be disastrous, the key is to be skilled at being yourself.” This is of course drawn from the principles put forward by Rob Goffee and Gareth Jones in “Why Should Anyone Be Led by You?” and really got me thinking about how being skilled related to the facebook point about sharing always being positive.

I’ve spent a number of years helping individuals tackle issues related to their self-esteem and building their ability to accept themselves, speak up and assertively intervene in situations they might not have been able to previously, to their own benefit and that of others. However, with the ability to express yourself comes a responsibility to consider how the messages you deliver might be received.

Self – aware individuals understand how they feel, whether those feelings are causing negative effects, and what course of action they might take as a result. In simple terms they recognise that they have a choice to either deal with the feelings or let them go, and that dealing with them might mean expressing them to the person or people who have initiated them.

Expressing feelings can be a critical step in resolving a situation, but can also do immense damage for the person communicating them or the receiver depending on the message to be shared. In the past I’ve certainly been witness to individuals spontaneously expressing how they feel and regretting the consequences. I’ve also intervened when I’ve heard a statement like “I don’t care what he does; I’m going to go in there and tell him what I think”. What I’m hearing there is an individual that recognises they could choose more than one potential course of action, but are going to deliberately act while consciously ignoring the potential ramifications.

I’ve also heard statements like, “He just sets me off and I have a go at him, I can’t help it and it always ends up in a row”. This is someone suggesting that they have no control over the way they react, when in fact, I believe they do, and can “help it” if they choose to do so, benefitting the relationship or achieving a more effective result for themselves.

So how can you become skilled at sharing feelings? First consider that you have a choice, about whether to share or not. Secondly, if you decide to share consider why you’re doing it, what you want the other person to do with that information and how you expect it to benefit the situation. Then consider how you can deliver the message in a way that will achieve all of the above, before you open your mouth.

Ultimately, I didn’t “like” the facebook post, even though I believe people and relationships can often benefit from the more open sharing of feelings. My message is; do share, but do it with skill, in the full and conscious knowledge of why you’re doing it, what reaction you expect to get, and how the way you share may influence that reaction to everyone’s advantage. That way, you can create a scenario in which there’s never a need to say sorry.

Graham